


can you keep me close? (can you love me most?)

by maiaslightwood



Series: keep me for eternity. [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Immortality, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Morning Cuddles, Near Future, featuring alec making more or less blunt confessions and them loving each other a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 12:26:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13880844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maiaslightwood/pseuds/maiaslightwood
Summary: Alec has made his choice a long time ago, though he has trouble putting his finger on thewhen. Maybe when he had rushed out that first, desperate 'I love you' or when he had realized after those painful days apart that he couldn't live without Magnus; when he had let Magnus take his hand and drag him back to the only place he ever called home. Or maybe it had been some other moment, some everyday feeling in the morning light or kitchen or settled on the balcony. However, it takes a demon wound and a day of sleep for him to finally say it.





	can you keep me close? (can you love me most?)

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't really my first time writing magnus/alec but it is the first i'm posting. i don't know why exactly but writing them makes me a lot more nervous than writing most other couples, probably because everyone has very different opinions.  
> also please note that I made up the stuff about the demon. i just looked up a name on the wiki and went with it, don’t roast me over it please.  
> english isn't my mother-tongue so i apologize for any mistakes or weirdness!  
>  **edit (feb 2019):** i started this series before 3a aired and back then it was canon-compliant. 3b will most likely change that so i added the 'canon divergence' tag but for the most part it can easily be fit into the future timeline.
> 
> title from _someone to stay_ by vancouver sleep clinic.  
>  there is a brief mention of alec's suicidal thoughts as well as mentions of death / near-death experiences but not to worry, no one is dying any time soon (or ever ;) )

There is a soft touch at his spine, feather light and lingering, caressing every knob with care. Then another arm, tightening around his waist, fingers splaying on his chest as far as they can reach and the pad of a thumb running right over where his heart beats a steady rhythm. It’s one of the best ways to be woken up, almost as good as kisses pressed to the corner of his mouth and soft chuckles paired with Magnus’s goatee leaving a burn on his cheek.

When Alec blinks his eyes open against golden sunlight creeping through the curtains he is already smiling. The loft is silent except for the distant ticking of the grandfather clock and the sound of breaths that tickle his neck. Almost by instinct his hand drifts up to cover the warm familiar one laying on his chest, giving it a gentle squeeze. “G’morning”, follows, his voice rough from sleep and exhaustion. The entire length of him is pressed to Magnus’s front, barely a breath of space between them except for their shirts but Magnus doesn’t seem to have any intention to move away. In fact, he tightens his arm even more around Alec in response, his other hand ceasing the gentle caresses of his spine to lay on his shoulder blade instead.

“Good morning”, pressed in the space between his shoulders when Magnus’s forehead finds his neck. His voice is far smoother than should be allowed this early after hours of disuse and still Alec can’t help but notice the small waver in the gentle whisper. They stay like this for a moment, relishing in the warmth of each other while Alec’s thumb rubs soothing circles on the back of Magnus’s hand.

And yet, as much as laying here with his boyfriend’s arms safely locked around him and the ghost of lips dragging along his neck is something Alec likes to savor, there is a deep need tugging at his insides to see Magnus with his own two eyes. Every other morning there would have been lazy kisses traded already or whispered conversations about the day to come, but this isn’t every other morning, the shallow burn in Alec’s right side undeniable proof of that.

He turns around so he is lying on his stomach, wincing slightly when a sharp pain shoots up his side and goes back to a distant throbbing as he settles on the pillow to face Magnus. No matter how many mornings he gets to wake up next to him, it still takes his breath away to see the shadows the soft light creates on his face, bare of makeup and with a few strands of hair lazily hanging over his forehead. There is not a moment where Alec wouldn’t think his boyfriend is the most beautiful man in all the realms but in the early hours of the day when nothing else seems to exist outside of the warmth of their bedroom, it’s a look only Alec gets to see and he would be lying if he said it didn’t fill him with a little bit of pride and a surge of love welling up in his stomach, making him smile dopily.

“There you are.” He stretches his right hand to find the one previously running up his spine, an act now taken up by the other one, and lets the pad of his thumb glide over Magnus’s palm before intertwining their fingers on the sheets. Magnus smiles at that, slow and a little distracted, eyes focused on the path his hand makes over Alec’s back; up and down in a soothing pattern.

Something isn’t right. In the time they have been together, Alec has catalogued most of Magnus’s reactions, knows when his mood is dry over clients or tired from work (different from the tired due to using too much of his magic) through so much as a simple look or the set of his shoulders. There are days one of them comes home and the way in which Magnus greets him gives him at least an idea of what his day has been like before stories are shared over dinner. It’s not so much that Magnus is easy to read but Alec has made it his mission to pick up on it, to find ways to make things better if he can.

He knows he won’t be needed at the Institute today (hell, Izzy might drag him right back here if he dared to show up right now) and, if sleep isn’t still clouding his memory, Magnus shouldn’t have to get up for another hour or so. Then again, Alec has no idea if his feeling of time is completely off or if last night’s events have rearranged Magnus’s plans altogether. And yet his whole posture and the way his gaze remains almost unnaturally fixed on Alec’s back speaks of anything but content and being happy to lay in bed for a little while longer. The urge to comfort is a natural reaction by now. “Hey… how are you feeling?”

His eyes shoot up at that, finally settling on Alec’s, all warm brown and wide and with brows furrowed above. There is a moment of silence, the movement on his back stilling. Alec already knows the answer before it comes. “I should be asking _you_ that.”

The memories of last night are dark and blurred, mainly because once exhaustion had settled in Alec had been unable to keep his eyes open. He remembers the cries though, Izzy’s cold hands brushing over his forehead, arms holding him up and frantic shouting from all around him. He knows at some point later he must have uttered Magnus’s name, once he had felt something solid in his back, because Magnus had answered, voice swaying over _It’s going to be okay, Alec_  and _I got you_.

And he was right. Even though he feels fine now there is still the slow ache in his side where the demon had gotten him — one careless moment, too occupied throwing Jace a seraph blade as he had lost his own, was all it took. His body had reacted on pure instinct then, slamming the edge of his bow into the demon’s body, followed by an arrow. The demon had disintegrated but the damage had already been done. It hadn’t been the bite, barely leaving any wound at all, but the slow working poison that had made reality seem to fade into long seconds, distorted and stretched over itself before it came back with a pain so deep it knocked his legs out from under him.

“I’m fine. Thanks to you, I assume.” His voice drops a little, aiming for casual and with a hint of flirting, trying to lift the crease in Magnus’s brows and draw up the corners of his mouth. The only thing it does is make him shake his head, gaze dropping once more. “I know a thing or two about antidotes for demon bites.” Yet despite the obvious attempt to make his voice sound light, all of him speaks of something else.

And Alec gets it — or at least he does to some extent. He still remembers the fear threatening to choke him alive, the way he had frantically searched the entire Institute for hours, turned over bodies and hated a part of himself for breathing a sigh of relief every time it turned out not to be Magnus. He still remembers the way his heart had given out for a moment when he had felt Magnus’s hand tug at his elbow; the way he had felt like he could finally breathe once he held him in his arms, alive and unharmed. It must have been so much worse to _see_ the one you love in so much pain, right out there in their living room.

He reaches out slowly, turning to his side so he can be closer as his hand cups Magnus’s face, thumb stroking gently across his cheekbone. “Hey, I’m okay now. _We’re_ okay.” And then, because the image of Magnus crouched over him and being in pain because of _him_ won’t leave Alec: “I’m sorry I scared you like that.”

It’s a small comfort when Magnus leans into his touch, eyes falling closed and turning his face so his lips brush over the inside of Alec’s palm. They are silent for a few more moments and Alec isn’t sure what more he can say to make this easier. They shouldn’t have to but he knows it’s something that could very well happen again in the future; after all, most Shadowhunters die young and on the battle field.

“When Isabelle and Jace brought you here they didn’t know what kind of demon had gotten to you.” Magnus keeps his eyes closed as he speaks, still leaning into Alec’s touch as if that makes it easier to get the words out. “And there were those few moments where I didn’t know what to do.”

Alec can’t imagine a single scenario where Magnus doesn’t know what to do, his knowledge so infinite and timeless, something hot and familiar always curling in the pit of his stomach whenever he catches his boyfriend muttering potion ingredients to himself or reading a passage of a poem to him in a language Alec has never even heard of before. And there is no use in dwelling on worst-cases or _could-have-been_ ’s now, not when they’re both alright and all he wants to do is make that haunted look on Magnus’s face disappear. “But you _did_ know. You knew what to do in the end.”

Magnus slowly blinks his eyes open at that. The harshness within them has faded a little and given way to the warmth Alec is used to, leaving him breathing out a soft sigh of relief. “It was just a Raum demon… I would have been fine within a couple of days.” He pauses at that, wondering if he had been asleep for days instead of just the few hours he’d been assuming. In hindsight that might be more plausible given how rested he feels. Even with an antidote and Magnus pouring magic into his wound, it is unlikely he could wake up just ten hours later and be fine.

“Once I knew what kind of demon it was, the poison had already spread too much. It was easier to have you under a small, painless sleeping spell so you could get your strength back over the next day.” Magnus regards him carefully, giving him time to let the information settle in. But it doesn’t make Alec want to reach for his phone and get out of bed right this second like he might have done years ago, before he learned he deserves things too, before _Magnus_. He has enough trust in Isabelle to know she’s got things covered at the Institute and he isn’t even sure if he would make it as far as the front door with the pain in his side. Above all, he can’t think of anything worse right now than leaving Magnus like this, eyes softer and warmer and leaning in closer but the tension in his back and shoulders speaking of something else just below the surface.

It is the mirror opposite of a few hours ago (or maybe a day ago now?), the last thing Alec remembers as he was drifting in and out of darkness, hands reaching out and nearly begging Magnus to stay, answered by the ghost of a touch to his forehead and a reaffirming “I’m here”, whispered into his hair. There isn’t much after that, no dreams or pain really just an endless pit of nothing that is frightening to think about but it doesn’t matter now anyway. What matters is right in front of Alec.

“Thank you”, trying to coax a smile out of Magnus with one of his own, his hand drifting down to lay on his chest just above his heart, mirroring their earlier position. He is half successful as it earns him a scoff, a shake of his head but it’s hard to deny the corners of Magnus’s mouth tip up just a fraction. “You’re welcome.”

Magnus’s heart beats slow and steady against his hand, a rhythm that has become so familiar to Alec in the last two years; a lullaby on nights where his thoughts are too jumbled and laying his ear to Magnus’s chest surrounds him with a deep feeling of peace, of no-matter-what; the knowing that after all, Magnus is here and alright and that’s how it’s always going to be. It’s easy to think when time is on Magnus’s side and he can take out almost anyone with the flick of his wrist while Alec’s expected time on this earth is far too short, his job far too dangerous to be so sure. “I wish I could promise you it will never happen again.”

Some of the tension in Magnus’s shoulders seems to vanish as a soft sigh ripples through him, shifting closer and one hand reaching out to lay on top of Alec’s where it is settled on his chest. Yet that look in his eyes hasn’t faded completely, still too open and too careful to give any hint he has helped in soothing Magnus’s pain. “Alexander, I knew what I was getting into when I met you. You are a folk of soldiers. That night, seeing you like this… it was just a painful reminder.” There is more left hanging in the air and even though Magnus doesn’t say it, Alec knows now this goes beyond him being hurt. His life could end easily through a demon or blade but it is more so that his life _will_ end, sooner or later. And for Magnus’s perception of time that would be sooner.

It’s a topic they haven’t really talked about, mentions of their future always have that feeling of something just within reach, within the next decades without ever really approaching the issue of Alec’s mortality head-on. It’s painful to acknowledge and not exactly something to share over dinner after they’ve both had a long day and he assumes Magnus doesn't want to feel like he's pressuring him into something. And yet, Alec has made up his mind about this a long time ago, has talked himself through the different arguments and laid awake at night listening to Magnus breathing, imagining a future in which it’s just them and everyone else he ever loved gone. Heartbreak and loss are inevitable but looking at Magnus now, it hardly seems like a choice at all.

And this isn’t the right time either, not with his side still aching and Magnus clearly still shaken up about what had happened. They should talk about this with smiles on their lips and out on the balcony in the not-quite-too-cold night air, sharing kisses that taste of wine and promises. Then again, Alec thinks, they have a tendency to do these things in unexpected ways like walking away from his own wedding for an earth-shattering first kiss or rushing out a love confession with hurried breath after fearing for his life; like talking in a silent alleyway with lights reflecting in the rain to their feet and letting go of anger and pain and heartbreak because _Alec can’t live without Magnus_.

"Look, I was never really afraid of dying.” It’s not entirely true because in some moments, pain pulsing through his veins due to a nasty demon wound, he had felt his heart pounding in his chest, desperately trying to remind him to stay alive. For the most part, it had been others he had wanted to protect; imagining Izzy or Jace or Max over his dead body was the thing that had actually scared him. “It was something that was inevitable, something we are trained to do, born to do. They tell you it’s an _honor_. Since I was ten I always... I always thought I'd die in battle one day, maybe not a hero but at least doing what I was meant to be doing. And sometimes it wouldn't seem so bad...” He pauses for a moment, teeth digging into his bottom lip. It’s still hard to talk about these things, the past and how it sometimes comes to haunt him even now with voices too loud to push out completely. “There wasn’t really ever a reason to want more, not until _you_ showed me there could be. And now… I’m not ready to give that up. I want to live to see the future we want for us. I want to live with you for as long as you want me."

A shift goes through Magnus at that, like so often when Alec says something that he did not quite expect (though Alec wonders what about his statement is unforeseen when he knows he wears his heart on his sleeve when it comes to Magnus). The crease between his brows softens slowly, his face void of worry for a few seconds and lips curling into a gentle smile. "That will be a pretty long time then since my life expectancy is very much infinite and if it was up to me, you’d be by my side for it all."

Alec can’t suppress the soft chuckle bubbling up in his throat. "I'm counting on that."

It takes another two or three seconds for the words to register, Magnus’s brows drawing together as if to try and decipher Alec’s statement like it is the greatest enigma he has ever encountered. Alec doesn’t move, just holds his gaze and hopes all the sincerity and love he feels for this man is reflected in his eyes, all that he can never quite find the right words to string along and release off his lips. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t try with _I love you_ and _There is nothing ugly about you_ and _You’re my home_ pressed into the crook of his neck or the expanse of his shoulders or whispered into the dark of night with soft, even breaths as background noise.

“Alexander—…” There is the hint of a question in his voice once Magnus finally speaks, eyes wide in wonder and his thumb has stopped drawing circles on the back of Alec’s hand. He doesn’t ask though, simply looking at him as if with time he could find any kind of lie in Alec’s face, as if Alec would start laughing any second now to say it was a simple joke. It twists something in Alec’s stomach to think Magnus is so scared of letting himself believe in the possibility he just laid out for them, for their future; makes him want to rush back in time and hunt down everyone who has ever had the privilege of holding Magnus’s heart in their hands only to crush it between them. He knows he isn’t perfect himself, that he has made mistakes, will most likely still make mistakes and hurt Magnus one way or another but he’ll be damned if he won’t spend all the time he has on this earth trying to make up for it, to be better.

“Magnus, if”, and Alec leans away a little even if it almost physically pains him (which isn’t even an exaggeration with the way a dull pain shoots up his right side) only to get a better look at Magnus’s face. “If you want this too then there is nothing I want more in this world.” It’s only half a lie because there is definitely _one_ thing he wants just as much but springing one confession on his boyfriend might be enough for one day.

Magnus scoffs, shaking his head slowly while his gaze flickers between Alec’s eyes, all over his face. Finally, he lifts his free hand to run his thumb along his cheekbone and as if on reflex Alec leans into it, eyes fluttering shut for just a moment. “There isn’t a single universe where I don’t want as much time with you as I can have. But I think we should talk about this thoroughly when you’re not hurting and thought this through in every possible way; when you’re sure you’re not doing this for my benefit alone.”

Alec doesn’t say that he _has_ , he’s thought about every possible ending to their story and there is only one he wants, which he at least needs to _try_ to attain with everything he has. There isn’t much to consider when Magnus is looking at him so openly, a spark of hope in his eyes and all sadness finally vanished, his features free of worries. And still he nods, leaning in to press a gentle kiss to waiting lips. If Magnus wants to have this conversation tomorrow or next week or a month from now then Alec will readily give him that but his answer will be the same no matter the time that has passed since this moment right now. “Then we’ll talk about it later but don't worry, I won’t change my mind.”

This shouldn’t sound as easy, feel as easy when there are still so many obstacles in the way of this, when he’s sure there is no easy way to find a solution to the discrepancy between his own mortality and an endless life with Magnus. And still Alec doesn’t feel anything but a soft calm overtaking him as he presses his lips along Magnus’s jaw, trying to draw that signature sigh from his throat that he’s come to know so well in the past years. They’ve found a way for everything until now, found ways back to each other despite disaster and lies and trying to pretend to be someone else, despite Valentine and his son and Lilith and Edom. He doesn’t have an ounce of doubt within himself that they’ll find a way for this too.

When he finally leans back Magnus meets his smile with one of his own, gentle and so full of affection Alec feels his heart speed up at the sight. “There has never been an immortal Shadowhunter before.” And yet the words are daring, accompanied by Magnus running his fingers over Alec’s forehead to brush a few strands of surely disheveled hair away.

“There has also never been a gay Shadowhunter before who was Head of an Institute and in love with a High Warlock.” Alec shrugs. “So, I guess it’s just another first.”

He briefly wonders if he’s doing this in the wrong order. Izzy might scold him that he has to propose first before springing eternity on Magnus. 

This isn’t the traditional route and while Alec may stick to traditions out of habit, it is something he has been unlearning ever since he stumbled into Magnus that fateful night and couldn’t help the smile overtaking his features or his eyes from lighting up. He’s learned that it’s okay to want and be wanted and let yourself feel that happiness deep within your bones without regret. There is hardly anything traditional about Magnus and him and how their relationship has played out, no use starting now. Alec knows what he wants and if it is what Magnus wants too there is no reason to have this conversation later simply because of tradition.

Magnus chuckles, the sound lighting up something warm in Alec’s chest and pulling his mouth into an even brighter smile before it’s claimed by a kiss, longer this time and more lingering, laughter blending into the familiar press of lips he’s grown used to in the mornings. The pain in his side is still there, a distant reminder, but it seems for now all thoughts of fear and loss are vanished for both of them so Alec indulges himself and lets his fingers run across the expanse of Magnus’s shoulders, feeling muscles tense up under his touch. He can’t imagine any timeline in which he’ll ever grow tired of this, of _having_ this, of loving and being loved so fully it sometimes makes him wonder how all of it can be real.

They share a few more kisses but the desperation soon shifts to something surer. There is no rush in the way Magnus presses kiss after kiss to Alec’s bottom lip, goatee scratching along his chin or how their breaths mingle in almost perfect synchronization. At some point, Magnus rolls onto his back and Alec is quick to find his usual spot on his chest, his hand coming up to rest beside his face and feeling the slow thump of a heart vibrating against his fingertips.

Magnus’s hand keeps carding through his hair, gentle and soothing like he does so often before they go to sleep but Alec doesn’t feel dreams tugging at his consciousness or the usual heaviness on his eyelids. The calm that has settled over them paired with the golden morning light and his smile are enough to keep him awake and let himself feel the way happiness fills him up to the brim. A strange feeling considering he’s been unconscious for more than a day and has a barely healed wound curving over his ribs. And yet, Alec is content just staying like this for a while, silent and breathing together, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

Minutes pass and Alec briefly wonders if Magnus has fallen asleep – wondering if he had gotten any sleep at all or had laid awake waiting for Alec to wake up. He almost wants to raise his head to check but is afraid that the movement could startle his boyfriend awake. Magnus makes the decision for him when his voice breaks the silence between them: “No one has ever loved me the way you love me.”

It’s simple and yet seems untrue for there must have been at least one among those seventeen thousand before him who loved Magnus with all of them, who wanted to give him everything and would have crossed oceans, realms, _hell_ to be with him. It seems ridiculous that this man in front of him who is so utterly beautiful and kind and full of power and knowledge, who makes his stomach hurt from laughter and his heart flutter with a simple touch, who offers so much to those lucky enough to be trusted, has never been loved by anyone so fully.

It’s that thought that stops him from replying immediately.

Alec has never been in love before Magnus and never will fall in love with anyone else, this much he knows. And he has also discovered that not all love feels like this. It can’t, not when the way his heart thuds in his chest, the warmth rushing through his veins feels so uniquely attached to _Magnus_ and him alone, a feeling greater than him and threatening to grow out of his chest. A feeling that has him smiling first thing in the morning or putting an extra strawberry on top of Magnus’s pancakes or tangling their hands together just to feel closer. He knows others have loved Magnus in the past, many have and it isn’t surprising when there is few other people Alec deems worthy of being loved fully and unconditionally. And yet no one has loved him like Alec loves him because no one can; because if Alec understands one thing about love is that it is so uniquely tied to the person _loving_.

Maybe Magnus doesn’t mean it like that, maybe no one has ever wanted to be with Magnus for eternity — mortal or immortal — and it is that single fact that makes all the difference but it seems too simple to encompass all Alec is feeling. Wanting an eternity is not what defines his love, no it is simply one aspect of it, a consequence of loving so much he never wants this to end, never wants Magnus to feel such pain ever again if he can prevent it with all means possible.

It’s sad to think no one has ever wanted to share an infinite lifetime with Magnus but at the same time it makes Alec all the more determined to spend every day of this life ahead making sure to love Magnus with all he has to give. And in the end, Alec is nothing if not good at seeing things through.

For now, he starts with leaning up to press a soft kiss to the corner of Magnus’s mouth and then another to capture the sigh escaping him, ready to spend every morning of eternity like this if he can.

**Author's Note:**

>  **[alec voice]** impossible just means try again.  
>  So alec lightwood will be immortal and that's all i have to say on this topic.
> 
> come talk to me on [tumblr](http://eternalalec.tumblr.com) or [twitter](http://twitter.com/wylanfaheys) if you want!


End file.
